Indeed, Stanford psychologist Walter Mischel says delay of gratification skills are the best predictors of success. In a famous study, he gave four-year-olds a choice. They could eat one marshmallow now. Or they could wait for 15 minutes and get two marshmallows.
It went something like this:
As you can see, the Marshmallow Test is hard! 67% of kids fail. Only 1 out of 3 can wait for the bigger reward.
Why does it matter?
Mischel followed the kids for years. All through elementary school those who had passed the marshmallow test had better grades fewer behavior problems. They were more popular with teachers and peers. At age 18-19, they scored 210 points higher on their SATs. And they were happier.
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| Waiting is hard! Photo credit: David Castillo Dominici |
Those who had failed the test were less likely to go to college – or even finish high school! They used more drugs and alcohol. They were more frustrated and less happy.
So try the Marshmallow Test with your child! Sit them down in a room without any distractions. Explain the rules. Remind them to stay seated while they wait.
Whatever happens, remember that children can improve their ability to defer gratification. It just takes some work. Try these strategies:
1. Be a good role model. Your children are always watching you. When you defer gratification, tell your child. For example:
a. “I want a cookie, but it’s almost dinnertime. I’ll have to wait.”
b. “The soup smells so good, but I have to wait so I don’t get burned.”
c. “I really want this shirt! But if I wait till next week, it will be on sale. Then I can buy it and have money left for something else.
d. “Daddy and I want a new TV, but we have to wait until we’ve saved enough money.”
e. “Instead of waiting, let’s do chores now. That way, we can spend more time at the zoo tomorrow.”
f. “I want to watch a movie, but I have to finish my work first.”
2. Practice. It makes perfect. As your child improves, increase how long they have to wait.
a. Start them young! Offer your child a toy. When they reach for it, say, “You have to wait a second first. Wait… wait… Okay! Great effort waiting!” If your child gets upset, wait calmly for the right amount of time. Then give them the toy.
b. Practice the Marshmallow Test. Mix it up with different treats your child likes.
c. Before snack time, make a series of requests, such as:
i. “Did you wash your hands? No? Okay, wash them first!”
ii. “Before we start, will you get us both a napkin?”
iii. “Please clear your toys from the table so we have a place to sit.”
iv. “Let’s wait a few minutes before we start so we don’t get burned.”
d. Before playtime, ask your child questions like:
i. “Did you take the trash out of your lunch box yet? First do that before you play.”
ii. “You have to make your bed before you play.”
iii. “Before you start a new game, you have to put away the old one!”
iv. “Please put your dish in the sink before you go outside.”
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| Photo credit: David Castillo Dominici |
3. Use allowance as a lesson! Try this:
a. If they don’t do their chores, don’t give them their allowance. This will teach them to associate reward with effort.
b. Keep a regular schedule. This lets your child plan for their “income.”
c. If your child wants their allowance early, turn it into a marshmallow test. Say, “I will give you $3 today, or you can have $5 if you can wait until Friday. You decide.”
d. Talk to them about financial goals. Then help them build a piggy bank with different sections for different goals. Try “New bike,” “Sister’s birthday present,” “Spending,” “Saving”… or even “Investing.”
e. For more information about the pros and cons of giving your child an allowance, see Alisa Weinstein’s Earn It, Learn It: Teach Your Child The Value of Money, Work and Time Well Spent.
4. Use conflict to build self-regulation skills. Kids can lose their tempers very quickly. Instead of just breaking it up, turn it into a lesson. Help them talk, listen to each other, and devise a solution. This builds impulse control – but also language (which helps them with their reading!) and social skills. Here are some tips:
a. Let them do the talking. For example, instead of, “Tom didn’t like it when you hit him,” ask, “Can you tell Sam what happened? How did it make you feel?”
b. Have them talk to each other. Encourage good eye contact. Say, “Don’t tell me – tell Tom.”
c. Don’t let them interrupt. If they try, say, “I am listening to Lydia now. Please wait for your turn.” Younger children may need a physical object to remind them: “You are holding the ear buds right now, so it is your turn to listen.”
d. Ask them to come up with solutions. Again, the younger the child, the more help they may need. Try questions like:
i. “What can we do differently next time?”
ii. “Is there any way you can both be happy?”
iii. “How many minutes should each person’s turn be?”
5. Play self-regulation games. You and your child can both increase your ability to defer gratification by playing these games. Here are some ideas:
a. Do an activity using your non-dominant hand.
b. Play word games. Over dinner, in the car, or any time, suggest that your family temporarily avoid certain kinds of words. This increases your ability to monitor yourselves. It can also help with your child’s reading! Try
i. Contractions
ii. Slang
iii. Words that start with S
6. Read. Books can be a fun way to learn about delay of gratification. We recommend:
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| The Little Red Hen by Paul Galdone. Age Level 5 and up. |
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| The Ant and the Grasshopper, Amy Lowry Poole. Age Level 4 and up. |
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| The Goose That Laid the Golden Egg by Mark White. Age Level 6 and up. |
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| Ox-Cart Man by Donald Hall. Age Level 4 and up. |
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| The Three Little Pigs by Paul Galdone. Age Level 5 and up. |
It isn’t always easy. But putting in the effort will make a big difference. Help your child develop skills that will improve the rest of their life!
Parents: Are your children ever impatient? How do you handle it? Would add anything to the list?
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