How Praise Can Hurt: A guide to providing the right kind of feedback for your child.

Celebrate a job well done -- your child deserves it.

Praise is a key part of learning. It tells students what they are doing well. It builds confidence and self-esteem. But did you know there are two kinds of positive feedback?
The first is effort praise. It points out the child’s progress and hard work. The second type is ability praise. It focuses on talent.

The difference seems subtle. But studies show that kids respond very differently to the two types of praise. Effort praise teaches them that hard work gets results. Ability praise implies that talent is fixed, so trying hard doesn’t matter.

Here’s why:

Imagine your child comes home with an A on their math test. You say, “Great job! You’re so good at math.” What they hear is that they did well because of their natural ability. If they don’t do well next time, they will think, “I guess I’m not good at math, after all.”

But… if you say, “Great job! You must have worked really hard on that,” they hear that effort leads to results. If the next test goes badly, they think, “I should study more next time,” or, “Next time, I will try a new strategy.”

In other words, kids who get ability praise start to believe that intelligence is “fixed” -- that they were born with a certain amount of it, and they can’t change it by practicing or trying again.

 

Meanwhile, effort praise builds a “growth” mindset in children. It makes them think that intelligence is like a muscle – the more you use it, the more it grows. If at first they don’t succeed, they will try, try again.

So go ahead! Praise your child. Tell them how great they are! Just be sure to put some effort into what you say.

Here are some suggestions to help get you started.

Instead of	Try
You are so good at painting!	This painting is so beautiful! I can see you put in a lot of effort.
You are so smart!	You are learning so many new things every day!
Good job!	Great effort!
Good job!	You are always working and improving!
You did so well!	I could tell that you were very focused today!
You are so fast!	Look at you go! I can tell how hard you’ve been working at practice!
Good job!	You used to need help, but now you can do it all by yourself!
You are such a good writer!	I like all the details you put into your writing! It takes extra effort, and it really makes your stories come to life!
You got such good grades!	I can tell that you worked very hard this term!
You got an A! You’re so smart!	It looks like your hard work paid off!
You're great at reading!	I am impressed by how focused you are when you read.
You are so good at spelling!	It’s hard work learning so many spelling words – but you nailed it!

For more information on this topic, check out Dr. Carol Dweck’s Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. In addition to learning some new parenting skills, you might learn something that will help you at work!

Parents: What tips do you have for providing positive feedback to your child?