Four Things All Parents Need To Know About Rewards

Parents love seeing their child do well. Whether they’ve done their homework, read a new book, or were simply on their best behavior, it is a joy. And sometimes a relief!

It’s normal to want to reward them for their effort. But many parents aren’t sure how. And no wonder! Even teachers and psychologists haven’t figured out rewards yet.  Some research shows that they help. Kids work harder when they have something to look forward to. Other research shows that rewards are bad. They decrease a child’s natural interest in something.

Today’s post discusses the four things you need to know today about rewarding your child. You might be surprised at what you learn.

1. Rewards increase EXTRINSIC motivation…

Photo Credit: Stuart Miles

We all want our children to love learning for the sake of learning. To many parents, rewards feel like bribes. But research shows that rewards can increase your child’s interest in an activity over time.

Specifically, rewards are great for things that are only fun when you reach a certain skill level. It takes weeks of boring exercises to learn a new instrument. Playing scales over and over is probably not what your child wants to be doing.

But if they hang in there long enough, they will be able to play songs they enjoy, or even write their own songs. Rewards may be just what they need to keep them going until music becomes fun for them.

2. … But rewards can decrease INTRINSIC motivation.

Photo Credit: Stuart Miles

 If your child already loves something, think carefully before you reward them for it. In a famous study, psychologist Mark Lepper rewarded preschoolers who liked drawing… for drawing. After that, the kids showed less interest in drawing and spent less time doing it.

Indeed, the reward confused them. They thought they were drawing because they liked it… but now they think they did it to get a reward. They thought the joy they felt was from drawing… but now they think it’s from their prize.

The exception to this rule is when the reward is directly related to an activity. If your child loves reading, it makes sense to surprise them with new books or trips to the library. If they study hard for their biology test, it makes sense to go to the zoo or buy them some plant bulbs.

These rewards don’t hurt intrinsic motivation. They allow your child to continue growing. They send the message that you notice, and you care. NOT that they deserve a reward for doing something unpleasant.

3. Often, the best reward is recognition.

Years of research show that material rewards don’t always motivate people. Whether you’re an adult or a child, a sense of recognition and success makes tasks feel meaningful – in a way that money can’t.

So when you see your child doing something good, SAY SO.  Try phrases like, “I notice you are working very hard at spelling,” or, “I am proud of how much you’re improving.” (Click here for a complete guide to praising your child.)

But don’t just say it – show it! If they do well on a test, hang it on the fridge. If they make a cool art project, show your friends. If they put away all their toys without being asked, tell your spouse when they get home.

When your child feels appreciated, they will enjoy the task more.  And your attention shows them how important their work is to you.

4. Sometimes motivation isn’t the problem – so rewards aren’t the answer.

Many schools have tried offering students prizes – including cash and cars – for good grades. The assumption is that students don’t work hard enough, and a reward could motivate them.

If your child is struggling,
rewards can be demoralizing.
Photo credit:David Castillo Dominici.

In several schools, the rewards did lead the kids to study harder… but their grades did not improve. The problem wasn’t that they weren’t trying hard enough – it was that they didn’t know how to study.

So rewards aren’t always the answer. Especially for students who are struggling. Just working harder might not be enough to get your child back on track. If they have problems in school, talk to their teacher right away.

Talk to your child, too. Say they are struggling in math. Ask them why. What about math is hard? Maybe they say that math is boring. What about it is boring? Is it because they are completely lost? Is there a bully in their math class? Or do they just not see how they can use math in the real world?

Work with your child to help them get to the root of the problem. Offering a reward, seeing them fail, and then saying, “Oh, sorry. No reward for you!” is only going to discourage them more.

In short, there are lots of great ways to use rewards. And there are lots of ways to misuse them. The advice in this article will help you know when a reward will help your child… and when you might want to hold off.

Parents: What kinds of rewards do you give your child? Or do you try not to reward them?  

Get The Most Out Of Reading Time: 5 Fun and Easy Steps

Experts say that you should read to your kids for 20 minutes a day. It is one of the best ways to help your child love reading.

Even holding a book and helping turn the pages  helps kids develop literacy skills.
Photo credit: Ambro

20 minutes a day. That’s 2 hours a week. That’s 5 whole days of reading per year.

Any reading you do with your child is great. But today’s post will show you how to help your child get the very most out of reading time. Every time!

Reading to your child: The Early Years

The first thing you need to know is that it is never too early to start. Even if they are too young to follow the story, they can still learn new words and skills. This leads to higher intelligence -- both now and later in life.

As your child gets older, help them prepare for school. Preschools emphasize literacy skills like recognizing letters and knowing that words are units of letters separated by spaces.

Lots of parents assume that kids notice the text on their own. However, kids rarely look at text when adults read to them. So make comments and ask questions that help your child focus on the text. Try questions like:

And comments like:

Here are four more tricks you can use to draw your child’s attention to the words as you read:

1.     Move your finger below the words as you read. This lets your child “follow along” with you.

2.     Choose books with cool text. Look for different fonts, font sizes and text colors. Books with cartoons or thought bubbles also work well.

3.     Cuddle with your child as you read. This makes reading a warm and joyful experience, rather than a chore. This will have a lifelong impact on their feelings about reading.

4.     Use your voice to bring the story to life! Use different voices for different characters. Find rhythms and patterns in the story. Be loud at the loud parts, and quiet at the quiet parts.

Growing With Your Child: 

 As your child gets older,  you should begin to emphasize prediction. Prediction is a crucial reading skill starting in kindergarten. Give your child a head start through reading time. Pause before, during and after reading. Ask your child questions about the book. Focus on what they think will happen. For a list of good questions to ask about reading, click here.

Don’t be afraid to ask follow-up questions. Sometimes a child’s prediction might seem wrong to you. But if you ask them to explain their thought process, you might be surprised at the details your child noticed!

Even as your child develops into an independent reader, they might still enjoy when you read to them. They may even want to read to you! And this is great! You can continue to share good books, conversations and cuddles together, while improving reading, critical thinking and perspective taking skills.

Parents: What tips do you have for reading to/with your kids?

Seeing Into Your Child's Mind: How To Ask Great Questions

Great questions don't just show how much you care!
Photo credit: Ambro

One of the top questions parents ask about their early readers… is about questions! It’s amazing how much we hear, “Why doesn’t my child want to talk about his day when he gets home from school?”

We also hear a lot of, “How do I talk to my child about her reading?” and “Are some questions more helpful than others?”

We’re glad you asked! Some questions are better than others.  That is why today’s post is all about asking great questions.

Great questions don’t just show how much you care. They also help kids build language and comprehension skills. This means better reading and writing scores. But best of all, they will help you see into your child’s mind and get to know them better.

If they’re reluctant to talk about their day…

There are a few reasons children don’t always want to talk about their day. One is that adults tend to ask general questions. These are hard for kids to answer. To them, “How was your day?” means, “Recall, prioritize, evaluate and communicate today’s events.”

These aren’t skills you’re born with. You have to learn them. And it can take years. See why it can be daunting?

So help your child out! Use your questions to guide them. Then watch as their storytelling, reading and writing skills improve.

Here are some examples to get you started:

-       What was the silliest/most frustrating/funniest thing that happened to you today? (Try to explore emotions other than just ‘best,’ ‘worst,’ etc.)

-       What was the most interesting thing you learned in school subject today?

-       What do you like about topic child is studying now?

-       What did you and student’s teacher talk about today?

-       What made you laugh today?

-       What was the hardest thing you had to do today?

-       What did you do at recess?

-       Whom did you sit with at lunch?

-       Are there any school rules that you think are unfair?

-       Can you show or tell me about something you learned today?

-       Who is your best friend at school?

-       You have some really good teachers this year. Which one is your favorite?

-       What is your favorite time of day at school?

Don't be afraid to experiment! Try talking to your child at different times of the day. Find out when your child is most eager to talk. Some love mornings. Some feel tired after school. Some love to talk during dinner, or right before bed. 

Even with the right questions, your child may still resist. Some kids just feel a greater need for privacy or independence than others. It’s important not to grill them. Just make sure they know that you are always willing to listen.

If you want to talk to them about their reading…

One of the best ways to help your child love reading is to show interest in it. Asking great questions shows that their reading is important to you. It also helps them build important literacy skills, like comprehension, inference and critical thinking. 

Can you and your child think of any more?

When you ask your child about their reading, encourage them to use sequence words, like first, then, later and finally. If they struggle, sit down together and write out all the sequence words you can think of. Let them use this list to help them talk about their reading.

You can also try to relate what they’re reading to real life (e.g., “Is anything about Hogwarts similar to your school?”). This helps them connect more to the story.

Again, don’t grill your child. Just ask a few good questions each day. Here are a few we like:

Before reading:

-       What is the title of this book? What is on the cover?

-       What do you think will happen in this book? What makes you think that?

-       What do you think will be interesting about this book? Why did you choose it?

-       Does the topic of this book relate to anything in your life?

During reading:

-       What has happened so far in your book?

-       Were you surprised?

-       How did it make you feel when that happened?

-       What do you think will happen next?

-       What pictures did you like most? What about them did you like?

-       When you read, what pictures do you see in your head?

-       How do you think the story will end?

-       What do you think you would do if you were the main character?

After reading:

-       How did the character solve the problem? What would you have done?

-       Why do you think the author wrote this?

-       What was your favorite part of the book?

-       Is there any part of the story you would change?

-       Did any of the characters learn anything during the story? Which ones? How did they change?

-       If you could ask the author a question about the book, what would you ask?


In conclusion…

The most important thing we can possibly tell you about asking great questions is that YOU have to be a great listener. If your attention is divided, your child will know. Even 15 minutes of your complete attention per day can help you and your child grow so much.

Childhood is such a special time, and it will be gone before you know it. So take time each day to ask great questions and be a great listener.

Parents: What are your favorite questions to ask your child? When do you like to ask them?

Be The Best Motivator in the World! 4 Lessons That Parents Can Learn… From Mario

Kids love video games. Once they start, it’s hard to make them stop! Yet games require time and effort to master. Players must develop new skills by doing repetitive tasks. Over and over and over. And they must have a high tolerance for failure and frustration.

When you put it that way, gaming doesn’t sound like fun at all. So why do kids love it?

According to renowned psychologist Mark Lepper, video game designers may understand motivation better than anyone else. Their job is to keep kids glued to the screen. Here are four lessons that teachers and parents can use to help their students glued to other things -- school, music lessons

1. Feedback. Knowing how you are doing is so important! When children play video games, they constantly receive updates, points and feedback. They never have to wonder how they’re doing.

Feedback is everywhere!

If you want to keep your child going, give them feedback. Don’t just point out what they’re doing wrong! Tell them what they’re doing right. Not only does this keep them on track, but it also shows them that their goals are important to you, too.

Click here for tips on how to provide the most effective feedback. 

2. Sub-goals. Kids have a difficult time with goals that are too far off. Wanting to be a doctor someday just isn’t enough to keep a six-year-old going. For very young children (2-3 years), even a goal that takes more than a few days can be too difficult. They have to break it down into smaller goals to celebrate along the way.

Games like Super Mario Brothers 3 wouldn’t have been nearly as successful if each world had been one huge level. Instead, they broke it down into a series of structured challenges, with surprises and rewards at key points. 

For tips on how to help your child set good goals, click here.

3. Challenge. Remember flow? That state of being pleasantly and completely absorbed by a goal-driven activity? That is exactly what good video games provide to your children. They match the level and tempo of the game’s challenges to each player’s skills. Games that fail to do this – such as games involving fashion or virtual dolls – are usually the ones that don’t take. 

How can you apply this to your child’s reading? One way is by using an online reading tool like StudyDog. Like a video game, StudyDog matches the pace of the reading challenges to your child’s level. This way, they won’t get bored (when it’s too easy) or frustrated (when it’s too hard).

You can also help your child find books that are just right for their level. If you’re not sure what that level is, download one of these free and easy tests to find out.

Click here for the Schonell Reading Test.

Click here for the San Diego Quick Assessment.

4. Second (and third, and fourth, and fifth) chances. In video games, the outcome is never final. If a rock crushes you, you go back to the beginning of the level and try again. You may lose some points, but it is never your last chance.

When your child faces an obstacle to their goal, remember to always focus on how they can fix it, or what they should do next time. Remind them that there will always be a next time.

Note: This does NOT say, “GAME OVER – THAT WAS YOUR LAST CHANCE AND YOU CAN NEVER TRY THIS AGAIN!” 

So go ahead – try these strategies with your child! Whether they want to learn a new song on the piano or improve their reading scores or anything else, these tips will help keep your child motivated and on track.

Parents: Do you have any tips you would add to this list?

3 Steps to Better Goal Setting: How You Can Help Your Child Achieve

Let's take a closer look at goal setting...

Have you ever talked to your child about goal setting? Most parents haven’t. A new study shows that only 42% of kids in the U.S. are actively pursuing a goal.

This is bad news. Being able to set and meet goals leads to higher grades, motivation and performance in extracurricular activities. 

It also leads to better mental health.

But not all goals are created equal. This article will show you three steps to helping your child set effective and useful goals.

1. Goals should be S.M.A.R.T.

Decades of research show that the most effective goals are:

S          Specific. Kids with specific goals improve 90% more often than kids with vague goals. A specific goal answers questions like:

            - What do I want to accomplish?

            - Why?

            - How will I know I have accomplished my goal?

M         Measurable. This helps kids monitor their progress. It also helps them to break a goal down into smaller steps, which keeps motivation high. A measurable goal answers questions like:

            - How much?

            - How many?

            - How will I know when I am half way there?

A         Attainable. Yet challenging. Easy goals are boring and unrewarding. Impossible goals are discouraging. A goal that is challenging but attainable puts kids in a state of flow. This is when the magic happens. When setting a goal, your child should be able to answer:

            - How will I meet this goal?

            - What steps will I need to take?

            - What problems will I face? How will I beat them?

R         Relevant. If a goal has no meaning to your child, they won’t care about achieving it.  It’s as simple as that. Your child should be able to answer:

            - Why do I want to do this?

- Why is this important?

- What other things will this help me do?

T         Time-bound. Having a timeframe helps kids stay focused, and it can add meaning to the goal. 
            You can also use time to break a big goal into smaller ones.

- When will I meet my goal?

- What will I be able to do by tomorrow?

- What can I do by next week?

2. Goals should be about learning – not performance.

Learning goals are about improvement. Performance goals are about looking smart or avoiding looking dumb. They often go together – e.g., improving your reading will lead to better grades. But there are important differences between them.

Learning goals help your child stay on the ball!

Photo credit: photostock

Kids who set learning goals show greater improvement. They adopt a growth mindset – the belief that you can grow your brain like a muscle. And when they fail, they feel confident enough to try again.

Kids with performance goals often develop a fixed mindset – they think that intelligence is fixed, and there is little they can do to change it. Since their goal is to look good, they pick easier goals. That way, they know they won’t fail. 

Besides, performance goals can be meaningless. Say your 3^rd-grader’s goal is to read 30 books a week. They can easily do this by reading short, easy books. Say they want to score three goals in the soccer game. There are many ways to meet this goal -- playing against easy players, hogging the ball, pushing, cheating – without ever improving. 

3. Goals should be charted

Now you have the tools to help your child set engaging and attainable goals. It’s time to sit down with them and have the talk.

It’s important to let them choose their own goals. It will be more meaningful that way. But be sure to guide them by asking some of the questions listed in the S.M.A.R.T. goals section, like, “How will you achieve that?” “Why do you want to do that?” and, “How will you know when you’ve done it?”

Then break it down into steps and make your Goal Ladder. You can either make it yourselves like the girl in this photo, or download a printable PDF here.

Photo credit: Stuart Miles

After you’ve finished your goal ladder, hang it up in a location that is visible relevant. If it is related to soccer, hang it by the soccer equipment. If it’s related to reading, hang it in the room where your child likes to read.

Use stickers or markers to indicate when each step is met. Make sure you give your child feedback on their progress. And let your excitement show!

It might be fun for you to set your own goals, too! That way, you and your child can work together to improve!

Parents: Has your child had any cool goals lately? Do you have any goal charts you’d like to share?

A Marshmallow A Day: 6 Ways to Help Your Child Defer Gratification

As most parents know, when a four-year-old wants something, they want it now. But did you know that being able to wait can have a big impact on their whole life?

Indeed, Stanford psychologist Walter Mischel says delay of gratification skills are the best predictors of success. In a famous study, he gave four-year-olds a choice. They could eat one marshmallow now. Or they could wait for 15 minutes and get two marshmallows.

It went something like this:

As you can see, the Marshmallow Test is hard! 67% of kids fail. Only 1 out of 3 can wait for the bigger reward. 

Why does it matter?

Mischel followed the kids for years. All through elementary school those who had passed the marshmallow test had better grades fewer behavior problems. They were more popular with teachers and peers. At age 18-19, they scored 210 points higher on their SATs. And they were happier.

Waiting is hard!
Photo credit: David Castillo Dominici

Those who had failed the test were less likely to go to college – or even finish high school! They used more drugs and alcohol. They were more frustrated and less happy. 

So try the Marshmallow Test with your child! Sit them down in a room without any distractions. Explain the rules. Remind them to stay seated while they wait.

Whatever happens, remember that children can improve their ability to defer gratification. It just takes some work. Try these strategies:

1.     Be a good role model. Your children are always watching you. When you defer gratification, tell your child. For example:

a.     “I want a cookie, but it’s almost dinnertime. I’ll have to wait.”

b.     “The soup smells so good, but I have to wait so I don’t get burned.”

c.      “I really want this shirt! But if I wait till next week, it will be on sale. Then I can buy it and have money left for something else.

d.     “Daddy and I want a new TV, but we have to wait until we’ve saved enough money.”

e.     “Instead of waiting, let’s do chores now. That way, we can spend more time at the zoo tomorrow.”

f.      “I want to watch a movie, but I have to finish my work first.”

2.     Practice. It makes perfect. As your child improves, increase how long they have to wait.

a.     Start them young! Offer your child a toy. When they reach for it, say, “You have to wait a second first. Wait… wait… Okay! Great effort waiting!” If your child gets upset, wait calmly for the right amount of time. Then give them the toy.

b.     Practice the Marshmallow Test. Mix it up with different treats your child likes.

c.      Before snack time, make a series of requests, such as:

                                               i.     “Did you wash your hands? No? Okay, wash them first!”

                                              ii.     “Before we start, will you get us both a napkin?”

                                            iii.     “Please clear your toys from the table so we have a place to sit.”

                                            iv.     “Let’s wait a few minutes before we start so we don’t get burned.”

d.     Before playtime, ask your child questions like:

                                               i.     “Did you take the trash out of your lunch box yet? First do that before you play.”

                                              ii.     “You have to make your bed before you play.”

                                            iii.     “Before you start a new game, you have to put away the old one!”

                                            iv.     “Please put your dish in the sink before you go outside.”

Photo credit: David Castillo Dominici

3.     Use allowance as a lesson! Try this:

a.     If they don’t do their chores, don’t give them their allowance. This will teach them to associate reward with effort.

b.     Keep a regular schedule. This lets your child plan for their “income.”

c.      If your child wants their allowance early, turn it into a marshmallow test. Say, “I will give you $3 today, or you can have $5 if you can wait until Friday. You decide.”

d.     Talk to them about financial goals. Then help them build a piggy bank with different sections for different goals. Try “New bike,”  “Sister’s birthday present,” “Spending,” “Saving”… or even “Investing.”

e.     For more information about the pros and cons of giving your child an allowance, see Alisa Weinstein’s Earn It, Learn It: Teach Your Child The Value of Money, Work and Time Well Spent.

4.     Use conflict to build self-regulation skills.  Kids can lose their tempers very quickly. Instead of just breaking it up, turn it into a lesson. Help them talk, listen to each other, and devise a solution. This builds impulse control – but also language (which helps them with their reading!) and social skills. Here are some tips:

a.     Let them do the talking. For example, instead of, “Tom didn’t like it when you hit him,” ask, “Can you tell Sam what happened? How did it make you feel?”

b.     Have them talk to each other. Encourage good eye contact. Say, “Don’t tell me – tell Tom.”

c.      Don’t let them interrupt. If they try, say, “I am listening to Lydia now. Please wait for your turn.” Younger children may need a physical object to remind them: “You are holding the ear buds right now, so it is your turn to listen.”

d.     Ask them to come up with solutions. Again, the younger the child, the more help they may need. Try questions like:

                                               i.     “What can we do differently next time?”

                                              ii.     “Is there any way you can both be happy?”

                                            iii.     “How many minutes should each person’s turn be?”

5.     Play self-regulation games. You and your child can both increase your ability to defer gratification by playing these games. Here are some ideas:

a.     Do an activity using your non-dominant hand.

b.     Play word games. Over dinner, in the car, or any time, suggest that your family temporarily avoid certain kinds of words. This increases your ability to monitor yourselves. It can also help with your child’s reading! Try

                                               i.     Contractions

                                              ii.     Slang

                                            iii.     Words that start with S

6.     Read. Books can be a fun way to learn about delay of gratification. We recommend:

The Little Red Hen by Paul Galdone.
Age Level 5 and up.

The Ant and the Grasshopper, Amy Lowry Poole.
Age Level 4 and up.

The Goose That Laid the Golden Egg
by Mark White. Age Level 6 and up.

Ox-Cart Man by Donald Hall. Age Level 4 and up.

The Three Little Pigs by Paul Galdone.
Age Level 5 and up.

It isn’t always easy. But putting in the effort will make a big difference. Help your child develop skills that will improve the rest of their life!

Parents: Are your children ever impatient? How do you handle it? Would add anything to the list?

How Does Your Child’s Literacy Compare With Others?

Like you, most parents wonder how their child’s reading compares to others. It’s normal to be curious. 

Social media isn't helping. 

Luckily, it’s easy to find out how your child measures up. There are lots of tests they can do online. But the best way to find out how your child is doing… is just by asking their teacher. 

Teachers spend six hours a day with your child. They know better than anyone how your child is reading. And they can give you customized ideas to help your child learn.

Photo credit: Nujalee

Experts recommend having regular talks with the teacher. Child development is so dynamic! A quick, weekly email can really help assess where your child is at so you can make a difference—even at home. 

And, just as important, it gets teachers to pay more attention to your child. Research proves it! If they know you will be checking in regularly, teachers will make sure they have something to say. They will talk to your child more and provide thoughtful feedback on their schoolwork.

Other Assessments

You can also assess your child’s literacy on a larger scale. Start with the Checkpoints for Progress In Reading and Writing. This site was created by the US Department of Education.  Just click your child’s age to see what skills they should have.

Or try these free tests your child can take at home: 

MindPlay Reading Aptitude Assessment Test

This test is divided into two parts: phonics and comprehension. Your child can take the test online in 15-40 minutes. MindPlay then emails you a score with specific feedback.

Schonell Reading Test

This measures a child’s reading age. Ask the child to read the words aloud from left to right. 

Download the Schonell Reading Test and full instructions here.

San Diego Quick Assessment

This is a fast, accurate way to find a child’s word recognition skills. The SDQA does not measure comprehension.

Download the San Diego Quick Assessment and full instructions here.

These tests are not meant to diagnose reading problems. They simply give you an idea of how your child is reading. If you have any concerns about their reading, speak with their teacher right away.

It is also worth noting that test scores mean less for younger children. If they lack a skill at age 3-5, it is probably because they haven’t learned it yet. When they are older, it is more likely that they don’t get it. 

Now you know some easy ways to figure out how your child’s reading compares to others. Try them out! Whatever happens, remember that learning to read is a journey. It isn’t about where they are now. It’s about all the places you can help them go.

StudyDog Parents: Have you ever had questions about your child’s literacy? What did you do about it?